Do you ever feel like the days just mesh and melt into other days. Like, the days aren't much different, but somewhere along the lines they have to change into new days because before you know it, you realize a whole month is gone? You know? I kind of have been feeling that way for whatever reason. Like, everyday is the same day over and over and over and over again. Not that it's always bad. Some moments are better than others. But for the most part you just feel like your life is just kind of one big blur and you're just sitting there, waiting for someday to have a goal, have a plan and make sense of it all. I was walking around East Linn yesterday afternoon and I came to realize how much I feel excruciatingly insignificant. You know? Like, is there really a purpose for us all? Is it going to matter, in ten or fifteen or twenty years, that I, Christina Barreto, walked through East Linn campus, and the school meant something to me. You know? Mrs. Gillson was telling me about how she had a realization today that Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were actual people. They walked and talked and breathed and had the same struggles as everyone else around. And they, to the world, seem so much more significant. You know? I told Mrs. Grove about that feeling of absolute insignificance, and she was all talking about how that's how we SHOULD feel, and we should be so humble as to say that we are so insignificant. Ha! All I could do was laugh. Doesn't she know me well enough by now? I never been humble once before in my life--why would I start now? Okay, that was a joke. Anyway. That's kind of been on my mind lately. Like, why does it matter that I, Christina Barreto am going to be a part of the graduating class of 2010 at East Linn Christian Academy. That only means anything to me. You know? Like, even next year, who is going to care??? Not that I'm trying to say that I don't matter and that I'm emo and everything, that's not my point. I just find it very strange to think of how often I think of myself and I am always looking out for myself. I make plans for myself, I have dreams, goals, desires, and what does it all matter? I mean, beyond what it matters to me.... does that make any sense??? Anyway. Just a thought.
Today, I got a form from NNU for trying out for a music scholarship. I'm so stressed out. Like, first of all, which instrument do I audition or record? Aaaaand, what if I would rather just sing? Or just play the piano?? I mean, after all, it's not like I'm REALLY all that great at anything I do... it's just I do A LOT of different instruments and I have a lot of ability, but I'm not like AMAZING... so it's kind of stressful. Aaaaand, if I try say that I'm an alto- am I really? Not that it'll make all that much of a difference, it's just that I've been singing Alto since like 8th grade because I read music and because I can harmonize and basically learn it myself and I don't have to have a lot of extra help so, I can teach others, while Mrs. Grove teaches the Sopranos the melody. Not that I'm saying I'm so good that I don't ever need help, that's not true, it's just that I know enough about music that usually I can pick it up pretty easily, and I don't have to work very hard to do it, and then the other humans in my section can learn it faster. Sooooo..... I'm not an actual Alto. Like I don't have Megan Knox or Coleen Rydholm's true Alto voice, but I do okay.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just stressing too much about this. I talked to Kimi Kruesi about college and she was a great comfort. I found that I'm not the only human in the world freaking about college and she said that it's totally normal. Which was really nice to hear, considering I have no idea where I really want to go, and what I really want to do. Like, I want to do something with music, and English and writing and maybe possibly like theater, but who knows. Just so many things to think about. I wish someone would just tell me.
12 years ago
3 comments:
In reply to the first section,
Yes, I do feel like that. A lot. And I totally understood your point. I thought it was funny how hard your tried to put it into perspective, because it made perfect sense. The whole thing. And I totally agree with you. I mean, besides ourselves, who is this important to? Who are we honestly important to, except maybe our future spouse and other family members. But even to them, they probably don't take everything as significantly as we would. In fact, I know they wouldn't. When something is personal, no one would take it the same way as you. That's just how it goes.
And just the small things that we do, like you said, won't matter. They're doubtfully significant to even ourselves in a couple years, if not months, or weeks or days. Maybe even hours. Like, that cup of water you might have had this morning. I know you said it a little differently. Like using yourself as an example, and honestly, I kinda think we're a lot like that cup of water. It might have mattered a little, but nothing huge. Not even remotely huge. We're a lot like that for life, though. A year after we die, how many people will still be thinking about us, and how often. One year isn't a long time, but it's certainly enough time to stop thinking about someone after they're gone.
I think I'm getting sidetracked on that. Point was that I totally agree with you, and that we're not very significant. But I don't think it honestly matters, really. Life still goes on, and we're still important to ourselves. As selfish as that sounds, I think it's all that matters for this topic. As long as we still exist in our heads, we should be fine, right?
As for college, sorry. That's something I can't really relate to. However, I have thought about it. I don't have a passion for anything. Sure, maybe writing, but I don't even really have a passion for that. And even if I did, where would it get me? Out of millions of Authors, who's to say that I'd be one of them that are successful? And psychology. I do like it a lot, but it's certainly not a passion. And I wouldn't really want to be a therapist. At least, not full time. Plus, people hate therapists. Well...maybe not. Kids do.
Music. I can't really say I'm into music. I learned bass because it seemed cool to me. But really, I'm not talented at all in that area.
I don't want to be a pastor, even though people have said I'd be pretty good at it. It's just not me.
The only thing I can really see me doing, is sitting on a couch, watching tv. I assume that I'll have at least some money if I'm doing that, right? I have to pay the bill. And I refuse to live with my parents any longer than I need to. I can't stand it here.
Sorry, I totally just pointed everything to me. I hate it when I do that. As for you, I think you'll do great! It might be hard now, but once it's all over, it'll be worth it, whatever it is that you decide to do. I'm excited to see where your road leads you! Maybe I should get your autograph right now so I won't have to go through any trouble to get it when you're famous and rich. =)
Yes, I definitely think that getting my autograph now would be a wise choice. :) As for you saying that you don't really have anything that you're passionate about, don't worry. I really think that God gives us passions and desires and He will show you. I also think there is a lot of time to decide. I don't think that the percentage of college freshmen really know what they want to do, but they figure it out. I could totally see you being a therapist though. You are really easy to talk to, and you understand people. You also enjoy helping people and giving advice. I really could see that happening. I am one who absolutely cannot stand therapists, but that is for reasons that are pretty much fear. PLUS, did you know that therapist in two words is "the rapist" hmmm?? I bet you didn't. :) that's probably why kids don't like 'em.
Things I like about this post:
1. I can totally relate to feeling the things you were describing.
2. The quote that the first person left about his future:
"The only thing I can really see me doing, is sitting on a couch, watching tv."
Haha! I laughed out loud.
3. Yep, lots of people don't know what the heck they are doing. Even after they get halfway through college. Don't stress about it (not that I didn't).
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